The mysteries of the mind
Question
Dear Dhananjay,
I write to you with a heavy heart and much confusion in my life.
A few days ago I broke my months long quest for physical brahmacharya but tampering with the organ of generation. Maddened, I engaged in a relapse again!
This time, I have decided to make brahmacharya and the pursuit of self knowledge my first priority. Before, these were secondary to academics, wealth, social standing, etc., but I have now decided that without utmost commitment success will be elusive.
I have a few very mysterious scenarios though:
1) I know one should not care about what others think, etc, but a few odd occurrences of late have bothered me. One is that women and men often smile at me even during my non-brahmacharya periods. I don't know if they find something appealing or if they are repulsed and laughing out of derision. I am agonized by this and have no idea how to interpret it.
2) Long back, I made a few rumors about some individuals in a field in which I wanted to progress and to this day, those crafty individuals continue to isolate me over and over. I feel hopeless. What can be done? You will say to leave it to the almighty, and I will, but is there not something we should do proactively to seek his blessings?
3) In my life, it seems like all the small mistakes I made continue to haunt and ruin me while for others, mistakes made in their learning stage (E.g. not to speak ill of others, etc) do not harm them in the slightest. I don't know why my karma is so bad as to warrant the harshest punishment for the smallest misdoings done years ago!
4) You've mentioned that the mind is like a restless monkey. I agree. Now, one question about practicing introspection. When I choose to observe the mind (to see what it is doing), WHO is doing the observing? Is it my ego? Or is the mind capable of observing itself? Every time I do introspection in accordance with Sivananda's instructions I wonder who or what is doing the observing. For example I can observe that the mind is lusting. But who is the observer in this case? It must be another portion of the mind, yes? Is this like qualia?
Answer
1. The Ego has no better business but to waver at every possible distraction, as an excuse. Turn the mind inward and focus on the goal. What others think is of no account.
2. Merging the mind into the self is the greatest of all blessings. One who does so need not do any other worship or ritual.
3. Instead of lamenting over the past, focus on the present, do your Dharma and be at peace. That which has to happen will happen, in the way destined.
4. One should merge the mind into the self so that no awareness of the mind exists. That is meditation. Observing it will not serve any purpose, for observation is soon clouded by the traits of the Ego and the cycle starts all over.
ॐ तत् सत्
(That Supreme being is the absolute truth)