Insult & injury

Sir,

I have a couple of questions. I know you are an advanced soul and the following queries/statements may seem a little direct, but I need to voice my concerns, and apologize if I look impertinent.

1.) I was recently in a job where my manager was abusive, derogatory and mean for no reason, and I experienced a tremendous amount of pain, anxiety, and misery as a result. Why did god put me through this experience? Was it to kill my ego? I am now in a monastery, soon going to join the Ramakrishna-Vivekananda order, and many have implied my job experience as rather useless in my spiritual progress. Why is pain neccesary to realize the self? Why should one tolerate an insult by another, and why isn't it better to just have some level of self esteem before someone runs you over? You told me to tolerate insult and injury blindly and I experienced a tremendous amount of suffering at the behest of a tall, unfit, insecure, and idiotic Portuguese fool, and an idiotic and foolish Argentinian. I don't know why you recommended this to me, as I feel the past six months of my life have been a waste. If god simply assigned me a job that had less hours, and a better work culture, I would have a far better time, but nonetheless, you advised I blindly follow this path like a wimpering dog who was whipped and abused to no end. I honestly felt like taking my life many times and I felt terrible. Why did you advise I do this? How can I call you a master if after this experience, I felt a 100 or 1000 thousand times better after I enraged them and taunted them , and left those insecure, clueless bastards?

2.) Many senior and junior monks of the order do not have brahma-Tejas or Ojas in their face, eyes, and body. Yet the practices you have advised me to do have left with them. Why is this so? And why have they achieved samadhi or higher states without showing brahma Tejas in their face and eyes?

I don't know why you led me on this path of low self esteem and just constant pain, but I feel an extremely high level of resentment and feel like fully leaving your practices after this experience because I believe you have misguided me to an extensive degree. I don't know if I will ever be able to follow your advice again, but the least you can do is provide me with an answer and tell me why I suffered so blindly. I do not mean to be impertinent and rude with my query, even though this sounds a little direct, but the least you can do is provide some answers and some closure so at least I can be at peace and leave this experience and this pain behind me.