Continuous Falls

Dear Sir,

I have been struggling with lust alone, specifically internet porn and masturbation since age 13 or so. I am now 26.

For last 2.5 years, I was able to abstain from both, and the only breaks in celibacy were from night emission.

However, recently, I had a massive falldown a month back, and again in the last couple of days. I watched porn (and went to chat rooms, a novelty) and indulged, not once, but many times in the last few days. I feel like have lost strength, shattered nerves, like having gone back to an old bygone day. What is alarming is that I have been unable to control myself in the last few days, and I feel like I may not be able to stop.

I feel miserable to have fallen down. Though I have some awareness that there is no reality to sexual attraction from one point of view, I am also bothered by the fact that I have been attracted to the same sex (male) sexually. Really, I don't see how this would work out if I get married in the future. Frankly, the only way I see myself rising beyond this all this mess, is by practising celibacy.

I really want to become an Oordhvaretas for His sake, but I am afraid that with all the self-abuse, my body is refusing to retain semen. I am however hoping that if He wills, the knowledge and techniques of becoming an Oordhvaretasa will become revealed to me.

I will be grateful for your advice.